The Truth about Climate Change
by MatsuMama
Summary: The REAL cause behind Global Warming is revealed! AND the reason why Yamamoto never gets a day off...Just, crack. Ukitake, Shunsui, Hitsugaya and Yama-jii. Written for nothing more than a silly little chuckle; no political agenda meant or implied. XD


"Ahh, Jyuushirou my friend – why do we always have to be early to captain's meetings?" Shunsui grumbled; he was not sitting at the wide desk that took up most of the captain's meeting office, so much as sprawled in all his pink floral glory across it. "I could be napping right now."

Next to him, looking rather bored himself, Ukitake shrugged delicately. "We're old, Shun. We've got nothing better to do."

"Speak for yourself," Shunsui replied with a loud yawn and rather lusting after the full bottle of sake sitting untouched back in his own office. "Besides, that doesn't explain why the kid is here."

"I am NOT a kid," Hitsugaya Toushirou replied frostily, his pen scritching quietly along the top sheet of a stack of papers.

"Well, you're certainly not a relic like my pale friend here," supplied Shunsui drolly, ignoring the pointed look Ukitake was employing to remind him that they were the same age. "So, what are you here early for?"

Ukitake perked up a bit, glare forgotten. "Are you here for candy?"

"I am here for peace and quiet!" snapped Hitsugaya, rather forgetting that he was among seniority. "If I wanted bothersome banter, I could have stayed in my own office with Matsumoto."

Ukitake deflated. "I'll be quiet."

Shunsui was a heartbeat behind him. "I'll be peace."

"I'll be _damned_!" The hearty roar made all three captains jump in their chairs. Moments later, Yamamoto-sutaicho stormed into the meeting room.

Hitsugaya's face wore a sort of terrified incredulity at his captain-commander's outburst, but the two legendary captains across from him fielded the tantrum with all grace.

"Denied again?" Shunsui inquired a little too politely.

"It's preposterous that I should have to submit my vacation plans for approval in the first place!!" Yamamoto-sutaicho barked angrily at no in particular. "Five thousand years I've spent building this society; I have _eons _of vacation time saved up! And for what!? Am I supposed to just let it go??"

Ukitake wore a look of commiseration. "Well, we never thought humans would advance to their current stage of meteorological technology."

"Or mass media, for that matter," rumbled Shunsui, who had retreated beneath the brim of his hat and was barely intelligible.

Despite himself, Hitsugaya felt a frown of curiosity pinch his eyebrows together. "What does human technology have to do with vacation time?"

Yamamoto just growled and threw himself into his large seat at the head of the meeting table and refused to answer.

After a moment, Ukitake took pity on their young co-captain. "Well, as you know, shinigami and their spirit powers tend to impact the real world, even when under power limitation. And some zanpaktous effect the world around them more than others..."

"Especially elemental ones." Even hiding under his hat, Kyouraku oozed amusement.

"So?" As nothing had yet been made clear, Histugaya found his irritation mounting.

It seemed the same thing could be said about the captain commander; the temperature in the room suddenly spiked.

"Now now, Yama-jii; that's _exactly _the sort of thing that keeps getting your vacations to the real world denied," Shunsui admonished, outright grinning now.

Histugaya remained in the dark. "So....wherever Soutaicho goes in the Real World, it gets warmer? Who cares about that??"

Ukitake just groaned and dropped his sharp chin to rest on his hands. "A bunch of environmentalists, apparently. They even got a catchy name for it-"

"BAH! Global Warming – what does that even _mean_!?" Yamamoto-sutaicho snarled, blowing out angrily into his mustaches.

"It means no more visiting the real world for you, Old Man!" crowed Kyouraku triumphantly.

"It's LOCALIZED, godsdammit!" Yamamoto roared, glaring at his protege defensively. He appeared quite willing to unleash some 'localized' climate change right on Shunsui's head, before Ukitake piped up.

"Hey, at least you got a nifty nickname out of it," Jyuushirou pouted prettily. "Sougyo No Kotowari gets NO credit for stirring up extra oceanic storms; they just glomp it all under the same thing."

Hitsugaya felt his head starting to hurt, and for some reason the corners of his lips wanted to curl up. "But...captains have been visiting the real world for eons!"

"Ah, but they never had the technology to track it before!" Shunsui cackled. "And it's only the elemental zanpaktous..."

"Rub it in, why don't you," Ukitake groused. "_You _lucked out and got a combat sword..."

Shunsui clapped him on the shoulder. "Ah, that's just karma, my friend. After all, even the gods would not deny human women of my visits and my charms."

Ukitake just rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded like 'man whore'. After a moment of contemplation, something occurred to Hitsugaya.

"So, when _I'm_ finally eligible for vacation, I won't be able to go to the real world?" It was a daunting revelation; he'd counted on being able to get away from Matsumoto at least once in a while.

"Probably not," Ukitake affirmed glumly, but a moment later his eyes brightened. "Although, perhaps if you and the Soutaicho went _together_...." A bright smile dawned on his pale face. "You could off-set each other!!"

Hitsugaya gulped while Hyorinmaru growled viciously inside his head.

_Force me to spend any time with that infernal zanpakuto and I'll tell everyone about the time Matsumoto got you sloshed. I'm sure Byakuya would absolutely love to know who froze up his koi pond. _The Ice Dragon's ruby red eyes glittered dangerously.

Toshiro paled as sweat began to form on his brow; as if he _needed_ a reason _not_ to spend his vacations with his boss.

"On second thought," the young Captain said, desperately returning to his paperwork. "I think I'll pass."

* * *

A/N - Thanks and TONS of luff to hu3long2 for turning a simple idea into a plot bunny, and to jazzpha for polishing this off with a great finish.

This is in NO WAY a political or environmental statement, so don't you dare flame or I will ignore/erase. XD


End file.
